Tune up your EQ

12 Responses to “Are You A Phoenix Or A Failure?”

1. » Are You A Phoenix Or A Failure? » Minimology Says:
   August 17th, 2007 at 12:28 pm

   […] Are You A Phoenix Or A Failure? […]

2. Linda Zdanowicz Says:
   August 17th, 2007 at 4:07 pm

   Hi Galba, You’re timing is perfect. I have recently succeeded in rising from the ashes of almost certain failure. For the last 8 yrs. I’ve worked for a really outstanding person that I admire and respect, but we were always at odds with each other. I was constantly battling to feel understood and accepted and I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn’t working. I realized that I needed to change what I was doing or leave. Once I stopped looking for validation and approval and started “just being”, things got better quickly. I realized that by pushing my ideas and opinions at my boss, I was not only aggravating him, I was giving him the impression that his weren’t good enough. Now that I wait a little, he asks for my opinion. Now that I am patient, he understands me better and accepts me. Now that I’m satisfied with what I’ve got, he thanks me for what I give. It was so easy once I believed I was wrong.
   Linda

3. Galba Bright Says:
   August 19th, 2007 at 9:59 am

   Hello Linda: Congratulations and thank you for sharing your experiences.

   May I ask you to tell us more about a statement that you made that intruiged me:

   “It was so easy once I believed I was wrong.” Also,can I ask you:

   has your change in behaviour lead to any new opportunities?

4. Linda Zdanowicz Says:
   August 19th, 2007 at 5:28 pm

   Galba, I was always so confident that I was right that I just couldn’t see where I was wrong. I was wrong in that I was working in someone’s business and trying to tell them what they should want and how they should appreciate me. I have a lot of ideas that naturally, I’m enthusiastic about and took his lack of the same measure of enthusiasm as criticism. He was just overwhelmed. We have opposite personality types and where I saw that as Yin/Yang, he saw it as a pain in the neck and lots of conflict. Taking a step back allowed him the room to move toward my ideas and to appreciate the differences. Yes I did get a new opportunity. The opportunity to form a peaceful alliance with my boss and to let him see a side of me that he could work with better.
   Linda

5. Galba Bright Says:
   August 21st, 2007 at 12:13 pm

   Hello Linda:

   Thanks for sharing more details of your story. It’s an interesting paradox that you had to step back and give your boss some space in order for your ideas to be accepted. I look forward to learning more about how you capitalise on these new opportunities.

6. linda zdanowicz Says:
   August 21st, 2007 at 5:35 pm

   Hi Galba, I capitilise on these opportunities by focusing more on what’s important and that leads to ideas that are more appealing to my boss. That allows me the freedom to put my ideas into action because he trusts that I will follow through and that I will pull back if he is uncomfortable. Part of our problem was that I wanted him to react to me in ways that I would react. I was not accepting him as he is even though I admire him. He probably felt rejected and conflicted. Now I ask myself if what I am about to do or say will give me an outcome that I will be happy with. It’s that simple. If the answer is no, I don’t say or do it. I’ve always been a good employee and still am, that wasn’t an issue, it was realizing that I needed to adjust my approach that was the missing link.
   Linda

7. Galba Bright Says:
   August 23rd, 2007 at 4:30 pm

   Hello Linda:

   Your story contains a number of great pointers about how we can improve our relationships with others. You say “Now I ask myself if what I am about to do or say will give me an outcome that I will be happy with. It’s that simple.” You describe it as simple, was it easy?

8. Linda Zdanowicz Says:
   August 23rd, 2007 at 5:59 pm

   Hi Galba, Well, it took me eight years to finally figure it out, so it wasn’t easy to see what the answer was, or obvious to me that my behavior might be part of the problem, but once I did and decided to try something new, it was easy. It was easy in that every new reaction or response that I put out there was met by an equally positive reaction and response from my boss. At one point a few months ago he said, “We have never gone a month without a fight, let’s aim for that as a start.” He was right, and if you notice he said we and let’s, not you. It helped that he recognized that we both contributed to the problems. I remarked to him that we haven’t argued in at least 4 months and he agreed that it was a nicer way to work together and an improvement. I asked him what he thought made the difference and he said, “Maybe that’s just the was it was supposed to happen.” I wondered about that and then realized he may be right for a few reasons. 1. It made us realize that we really do enjoy each other and want to work together or we wouldn’t have stuck it out. 2. We both had to look at our own behavior and access it. 3. We both committed to finding a better way and developed new personal skills and growth. 4. We both appreciate the better relationship that we’ve created and want to protect it and keep it going so we are more careful with how we treat each other. So it wasn’t easy to change, but it’s easy to keep it up because it’s so rewarding and enjoyable.
   Linda

9. Galba Bright Says:
   August 23rd, 2007 at 7:20 pm

   Hello Linda:

   Thanks so much for sharing this. It makes me feel as if I was there as the drama unfolded. When I read this: “Part of our problem was that I wanted him to react to me in ways that I would react.,in an earlier comment” I was struck by the joint problem solving approach that you took. I’d love to hear your further thoughts and experiences on this.

10. Linda Zdanowicz Says:
    August 25th, 2007 at 4:34 am

    Well Galba, my boss and I spent a lot of time talking about our problems, blaming each other, blaming the differences in our personalities and basically beating each other up. I felt my self-confidence (which was hard earned) slipping away and I was not going to let that happen. I realized that even though I was not to blame for everything, I needed to take responsibility for finding a solution to begin to make things better. Then I’d need him to respond to the changes I was making and make some of his own. I think by initiating change, I made it easier for him to respond positively. The way I look at it is that I surrendered, not in defeat, but in recognition that something isn’t working so why keep doing it. You have to surrender negative to make room for positive. Even though I wasn’t deliberately being negative, I had to recognize that the things that didn’t work for him about me had to be tempered so that they weren’t so in his face. When I did that, I didn’t feel phony or less me, I felt calmer and happier. I think I began clinging to those things that bothered him and making them more of me and bigger because I was determined to be accepted just as I am. In reality I had distorted who I am and pushed a part that he valued less about me to the forefront. Now I realize that no one loves everything about every one else and people in successful relationships understand and accept that. When I see the difference in the way he responds to me now and the regard he had verbalized to me and the group for me, it’s not hard to keep the traits that bug him tamed a little. When I need to use one of those traits, I acknowledge his discomfort with it and don’t belabor my point.
    Linda

11. Galba Bright Says:
    August 26th, 2007 at 5:12 pm

    Hello Linda:

    I think your story has a multitude of lessons; including the importance of taking personal responsibility, purposefully bringing about personal change and managing yourself to act differently without changing the core of yourself. It resonates with me because I firmly believe in the principle : if A Wants To Change B, A Must First Change A…indeed it is one of my 6 Core Values.

    May I ask, Linda : are there any broader lessons that you’ve learnt from your experience?

12. Linda Zdanowicz Says:
    August 26th, 2007 at 5:49 pm

    Galba, there are so many things I’ve learned. First, do not let pride be a barrier to happiness. This is multi-faceted. Personal pride, when taken to extremes can prevent us from seeing the ways in which we can be wrong. If I look at what I do and tell myself it’s perfect, it may only be perfect for me, from my point of view. If another tells me it’s not perfect for them and I hold up my view of perfection as a shield against their vision, I prevent myself from seeing the whole picture and possibly from achieving more than I could because I think there is not room for improvement. The other way pride can be a barrier to happiness is when we disallow another’s pride. When we don’t take their viewpoint into consideration, or we recoil at their criticism or opinion rather than welcome it, we tell them that in some way, they don’t matter. We can’t achieve the same degree of happiness as we could if we achieved while leaving another’s pride intact. I have learned that I have depth’s of character, integrity and wisdom that I’m only just beginning to utilize. I have learned that when we surrender false pride and self concern and really work to find peace it can be returned to us many times over. There is no shame or loss in this kind of surrender and no servitude in this kind of service. When you approach a problem or situation with love and a strong desire to find the right path, things begin to change. In the end, when I look for the positive and give the benefit of the doubt more often, I tend to find what I’m looking for.
    Linda

Leave a Reply