Tune up your EQ

Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to theright degree, at the righttime, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy.

Aristotle: The Nicomachean Ethics

(quoted at the beginning of Daniel Goleman’s best seller “Emotional Intelligence”)

Do you recognise these 4 stages of emotional management?

In Stage 1, your emotions dominate your behaviour, often with serious consequnces. Zinedine Zidane’s Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot in the 2006 World Cup Final is a well-known example. This talented soccer player lost his self-control in a stressful situation.

In Stage 2, you begin to manage your emotions. Sometimes you succeeed. At other times, you fail miserably.

Get beyond this stage, by adopting and practising a deliberate method. Having a systematic approach helps you to learn on purpose.

In Stage 3, you really begin to take care of yourself :). For example, I used 5 reflective questions to learn from my Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot.

I like Jean Browman’s list of eight questions from the Unwiring Our Emotional Buttons article.

1. What was the situation?
2. What did I do?
3. What were my feelings?
4. What were my thoughts/assumptions?
5. What was the positive intention behind my reaction?
6. What needs/desires were left unsatisfied?
7. What might I have done instead?
8. What did I learn from the experience?

When you consistently practice your method you acquire a new, more positive, habit.

After a while, you’re barely conscious of your approach. As Jean says:

“I’ve been doing this long enough now, though, that I don’t use the list consciously.”

You can become quite nonchalant, but you only reach the giddy heights of Stage 3 by deliberate committment and purposeful learning.

I’m curious to know what you think. Do you know anyone who is at Stage 4? If “yes”, how did they get there? how do they maintain it?

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Every week, I write 3 original articles that help you improve your Emotional Intelligence. If you're new here, feel free to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

This is the fourth of a series of 8 articles about Thriving on Change.

A Company’s Shift From Glass Bottles To Plastic

Back in 1999, a large Jamaican soft drinks manufacturer stopped selling its soda in glass bottles. The shift to plastic bottles meant that it no longer needed a local bottling factory in Montego Bay. The plant was closed and the workers were out of a job.

The company took a socially responsible initiative. Two months before the planned closure, they offered workers money management workshops, provided them with career advice, counselling and life skills training.

How Do You Respond To Oganisational Change?

Have you faced a situation where your job position was made redundant? Have you had to adjust to a new work system or process?

When you deal with a major change in the workplace, do you deal with it as a matter of cool, calculated logic ?

I know that I don’t.

I suggest that there is always an emotional element to organisational change and that you must acknowledge this reality, rather than bury it.

To help you thrive on change, I recommend a roadmap of the processes that you encounter in any major life change. It is based on an aproach that I learnt during my MBA.

The lecturer, Professor Colin Carnall explained that a workplace change affects your self-esteem. The bottling factory workers’ identity was closely tied to the company.

When the factory closed, part of them died.

Our lecturer showed that our self-esteem is intimately related to how well you perform at work. The bottling factory workers had to adjust to finding a new job in a tight job market. I worked with them to help them update their skills and increase their confidence.

Professor Carnall described the 5 stages involved in adjusting to organisational change. They are are denial, ;defence; discarding; adaptation and internalization.

When you’re in denial you develop a very close attachment to the status quo, even if you weren’t such a great supporter until the change came knocking at your door. Your self-esteem can increase during this period because you’re convinced that the old way is best and that the change is wrong.

Denial helps you to by buy some time before you face up to the new realities. However, this stage will harm you if you stay in it longer than you ought.

In the second stage, defence,, it becomes clear that you must adjust to the new realities. You may feel depressed and/or frustrated.

When you behave defensively, you negotiate time and space to come to terms with changes.

The next stage is discarding. Whilst you focused on the past in the two previous phases, you now begin to look to the future.

You become more optimistic and you begin to openly identify with the changes in the organisation. Perhaps you start to solve problems and take initiatives. As you ‘test’ the system, you begin to rebuild your self-esteem.

In the adaptation stage, you begin to try new things out. Through a process of trial and error, effort and setback you adjust to the workplace change.

This can be very frustrating. You may feel angry because the improvements seem to take so long. You’re learning and the learning process can make you feel uncomfortable.

You must balance your desire for quick results with some compassion for yourself.

In the final stage, internalisation, you’ve developed new ways of working and new relationships with other people. Now your new behaviour becomes part of your normal way of doing things.

You’ve become the “brand new you.”

How To Make Sense of Change

For some of the bottling factory workers the closure was the springboard to a new and more rewarding career. They’ve upgraded their skills and thrived on change. Others, even now, seem to be struggling to come to terms with the change.

One of the former union representatives recently confided in me that, although the workers had been well prepared for the change, it was only when the doors finally closed, that the new reality dawned on them.

The preparatory workshops gave a lot of logical information, yet the workers needed to go through an emotional process in order to move on.

4 Questions For You

1. Could this 5 stage model help you understand the stages that you go through when organisational change occurs?

2. Could it kick start you to respond more effectively to workplace change?

3. Could you apply this approach to thrive on change in other areas in your life?

4. What tools and models do you use to thrive on change?

Change is always emotional. Understand the process and thrive on change.

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“You won’t skid if you stay in a rut.”

Quotation by Kin Hubbard:

This is the third article in the Thriving on Change series.

Download The Thriving On Change Presentation

F.E.A.R. - False Evidence Appearing Real

It’s July 2006 and a team of promising young managers in the hotel sector in Jamaica were deeply downcast. Their highly popular General Manager (we’ll call him Jack) had been transferred to another hotel property.

“Yet another shake up”

they groaned.

They felt uncertain and nervous. Jack was their fourth General Manager in the last twelve months. He was far and away the best that they’d worked with. They felt comfortable with him.

He understood them and they were very loyal to him.

Questions swirled in their heads:

1. Who will be our next manager?

2. How will he deal with me?

3. Will I lose my job?

The hotel’s Training Manager recognised that the team needed help. She asked me to design a 2 day emotional intelligence Learning Programme.

We helped the learners to understand their strengths and weaknesses. We also encouraged them to discuss their dreams. They found ways to work together and they learned from each other.

Towards the end of the first day of the programme, there was a major breakthrough. One of the learners pointed out “the elephant in the room,” the fundamental challenge that the team was facing.

They were scared of the change. Many team members were frozen by fear.

The learners began to openly discuss their concerns.

Once they’d acknowledged their fears, they were able to take action and work out practical ways to thrive on change. They began to work in a more mature way. The group was transformed into a productive and adaptable team.

Now, they have to focus on making these improvements “stick.”

Viktor Frankyl argued that each of us is responsible for, and must fulfil the potential meaning of his or her life.

When fear overwhelms you at work, you tend to blame others for your situation.

The managers in the story recognised their strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a team. They grew in confidence and became more resilient.

2 Questions For You

1. Is there a fear that you must confront if you’re going to thrive on change?

2. What one thing would you do at work today if you knew you couldn’t possibly fail?

Download The Thriving On Change Presentation

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All meaningful and lasting change starts first in your imagination and then works its way out. Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Albert Einstein.

Why The Personal Development List Became So Popular

Can you explain Priscilla Palmer’s Personal Development List story by focussing on whether or not she has a high IQ ? I suggest not.

Did her technical skills help her to transform a small list of her 5 favourite Personal Development blogs into an amazing resource containing 600 blogs or more ? I’m sure they did.

But wait, there’s more.

New Personal Development Book

Now Priscilla’s invited all the bloggers on the Personal Development List to write an article for a new personal development book. You can read more about her new big idea here.

Why The Personal Development List Story Is All About EQ

Priscilla is at the centre of a compelling emotional intelligence story. She used her self-awareness to become clear about what she really wanted. Then, she drew on all her faculties, mind, body and spirit, to develop a compelling idea.

Priscilla’s initiative captivated hundreds of bloggers and readers.

Here’s part of what she told me in a recent interview:

“When I go to bed before I fall asleep, I have a habit of asking (myself, God, and the universe) a question like ‘what can I write about that will have a positive impact on the world?’ Then I close my eyes and let ideas flow in.”

What’s In It For You?

Imagine how you can benefit from the Personal Development List. Just think how many people around the world are using it to achieve their goals.

Are you moved by personal development? Here’s another opportunity to create your own reality by getting involved in this project.

If you’re on the List you’ve can write another chapter in an intruiging story about the power of imagination.

I’ll submit an article to help spread the word about how to improve your emotional intelligence. I encourage you to read and write about the Personal Development List story.

What’s Next?

The progress of this deceptively simple emotional intelligence story is limited only by your imagination and your willingness to take positive action.

Who else wants to read a story with a happy ending? :).

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In the Essence of EQ series, 8 readers shared their insights about the fundamentals of EQ. If you didn’t follow the series, or if you want a refresher,

Download the Essence of Emotional Intelligence Presentation in pdf format.

Ellen Janssen from the Positive Communication Blog made some follow up comments that anyone who wants to improve their emotional intelligence should consider. In the first part of her follow up, Ellen provided a compelling description of the essence of emotional intelligence. In part 2, she goes the extra mile and describes the main barriers to emotional intelligence.

“To me, the biggest barriers for people to getting to know themselves are two things: our culture in which achievement has the highest priority. In the school system, where all focus is on the IQ, in the ‘real world’ where who you are is determined by how much you earn and what job title you have…”

“The other barrier is ‘how busy we are’, busy to accomplish just those former goals of achievement. That overload of responsibilities makes it hard to take the time to sit back and listen to your heart. Time that is needed to find out who you really are”

1. What are the barriers to EQ where you live?

2. How can you overcome them?

I’m happy to feature your comment as a blog article. I’ll always check with you first to ensure that you’re comfortable with the idea.

Thanks so much Ellen for gving us your thought provoking insights.

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