Tune up your EQ

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If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s all this propaganda about the so-called benefits of thriving on change. So, in the interest of balance, I’m happy to share with you the truth about how you can remain comfortable with the status quo forever.

Apply these tactics right away and experience exactly how NOT to thrive on change.

1. Stop trying to change anything about your situation.
2. Never ever try anything new.
3. Hunt obsessively for the the best answer to any work problem. Don’t do anything else until you find it.
4. Write a list of all the things that stop you from changing. Read it first thing in the morning and last thing at night.
5. Ask your three most negative work colleagues to review your list and add their suggestions. You don’t want to miss anything, do you?
6. Never admit to making any mistakes at work.
7. Better still, bury them or pin them on your colleagues or staff.
8. Root out books about positive psychology that you find on your colleagues’ desks. Burn them in the office car park. If there’s one thing you can’t stand, it’s brainwashing.
9. Master the fine detail of your to do list. There simply isn’t enough time for all that Know Thyself claptrap.
10. Let it all hang out emotionally. Always express exactly how you feel right away.

11. Practice your Zinedine Zidane head butt on the wall before difficult meetings. You never know when it might come in handy.
12. Educate others. Run your own How Not To Thrive on Change seminar.
13. Take your stock of logic puzzle books to all staff meetings. Catch up on any problems that you haven’t solved yet.
14. Make sure that your job title defines your identity in and out of work.
15. Keep a detailed journal of all the ways that your colleagues have ever insulted you.
16. Always keep it up to date and NEVER remove anything.
17. Blame others, especially your boss, or the Government whenever things don’t work out for you.
18. Expect to transform yourself instantly.
19. Read lots of theories about change. Make sure that you never try them out.
20. Take an IQ test. Circulate your results to your colleagues, instead of helping to solve work problems.

21. Never change your mind.
22. Steadfastly refuse to learn anything new.
23. Listen to as much workplace gossip as possible.
24. Start at least one new workplace rumour every week.
25. Do your work the same way every day.
26. Refuse to acknowledge that you could ever change.
27. Hide your fears about how any planned changes at work might affect you.
28. Throw away all those dangerous books that help you understand how you change.
29. Boycott your company’s Change Management Workshops.
30. Set yourself totally unrealistic New Years’ Resolutions.
31. Remind yourself of all the times in the past when you failed to change.
32. Keep a journal of demotivating quotes. “This will never work” and “You must be joking” are always popular.
33. Steadfastly refuse to accept that you are a powerful, creative, talented, versatile human being.

If you’re really committed, it’s easy to put a stop to all this Thriving on Change nonsense. These 33 tactics will get you started.

I want to do a through job. Inertia can be such great fun.

Please let me know about any tactics that I’ve missed by leaving a comment in the comment box, or by emailing me, using the contact form.

Update 11th December 2007: 33 Tactics Increased to 35 Thanks to Quint’s suggestions.

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