Tune up your EQ

Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to theright degree, at the righttime, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy.

Aristotle: The Nicomachean Ethics

(quoted at the beginning of Daniel Goleman’s best seller “Emotional Intelligence”)

Do you recognise these 4 stages of emotional management?

In Stage 1, your emotions dominate your behaviour, often with serious consequnces. Zinedine Zidane’s Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot in the 2006 World Cup Final is a well-known example. This talented soccer player lost his self-control in a stressful situation.

In Stage 2, you begin to manage your emotions. Sometimes you succeeed. At other times, you fail miserably.

Get beyond this stage, by adopting and practising a deliberate method. Having a systematic approach helps you to learn on purpose.

In Stage 3, you really begin to take care of yourself :). For example, I used 5 reflective questions to learn from my Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot.

I like Jean Browman’s list of eight questions from the Unwiring Our Emotional Buttons article.

1. What was the situation?
2. What did I do?
3. What were my feelings?
4. What were my thoughts/assumptions?
5. What was the positive intention behind my reaction?
6. What needs/desires were left unsatisfied?
7. What might I have done instead?
8. What did I learn from the experience?

When you consistently practice your method you acquire a new, more positive, habit.

After a while, you’re barely conscious of your approach. As Jean says:

“I’ve been doing this long enough now, though, that I don’t use the list consciously.”

You can become quite nonchalant, but you only reach the giddy heights of Stage 3 by deliberate committment and purposeful learning.

I’m curious to know what you think. Do you know anyone who is at Stage 4? If “yes”, how did they get there? how do they maintain it?

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“The good commander seeks virtues and goes about disciplining himself according to the laws so as to effect control over his success”

Sun Tzu, The Art of War

How To Manage Your Emotions

In Part 1, I amazed myself by deflecting an insult from a training course participant. Did I learn anything from this experience ? Are there any lessons that you can learn ?

5 Powerful Questions

The episode was a turning point in my career. I always aim to honestly answer these 5 questions after I’ve emerged from an EQ Hot Spot.

1. What did I do?
2. How did I do it?
3. How did I feel about what I did ?
4. What did I learn from what I did?
5. How can I apply what I learned to my career and my life in general

Here are my answers.

What I Learned From My EQ Hot Spot

1. What did I do?

Although I was seething and was very tempted to lash out, I paused before I responded.

2. How did I do it?

Looking back, I took a deep breath first , that helped me to compose myself.

3. How did I feel about what I did?

I felt a heady cocktail of fury and frustration. I also felt very confused, because I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t lost control of myself.

4. What did I learn from what I did?

It is vital to manage my emotions. Except in extreme circumstances, I must think before I act.

5. How can I apply what I learned to my career and my life in general?

Over time, I have made a habit of asking myself these questions. A systematic approach to learning from experience works best for me.

The 5 Benefits of Learning From EQ Hot Spots

As a result of learning to manage my emotions, I’ve:

1. Successfully overcome disappointment and challenges inside the workplace and beyond.

2. Gained an awareness of how peculiar I am and therefore become better at relating with other peculiar people.

3. Become a more efficient learner, because I can often learn by applying general rules that I’ve learned from past emotional experiences, instead of having to directly encounter a situation again in order to learn from it.
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4. Deliberately embraced and directed my emotions for positive purposes, for example by designing and developing new products and services, including this blog.

5. Enjoyed greater peace of mind.

These benefits flow from my decision to reflect on a challenging experience and making a commitment to learn from it.

2 Questions For You ?

1. Do you ever hit EQ Hot Spots ?

2. What have you learned from them ?

Tune Up Your Emotional Intelligence Workbook

This article is based on a chapter from my no-cost Tune Up Your Emotional Intelligence Workbook. If you found it helpful, download your copy today.

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“There is a place for people who are angry and defiant and sometimes they serve a purpose, but that’s never been my role. …..Put simply, I’ve learned that I must find positive outlets for anger or it will destroy me. There is a certain anger: it reaches such intensity that to express it fully would require homicidal rage-self-destructive on my part-real-destructive, destroy the world rage-and its flame burns because the world is so unjust. I have to find a way to channel that anger to the positive, and the highest positive is forgiveness”

Sidney Poitier, “The Measure Of A Man, A Spiritual Autobiography”

Why You Must Manage Your Emotions

Your EQ Hot Spots happen when you risk letting your emotions be the sole driver of your actions, for example when you are overpowered by fear, or when your over-optimism blinds you to obvious risks.

When you handle them effectively, you empower yourself

How I Learned About EQ Hot Spots

I remember in England in the early 1990s, I was training some managers. The course went well, however one or two participants were very hostile.

At the end of the course, I asked each manager for their feedback. One manager (we’ll call him Derek) made some very critical personal comments. My impulse was to fly across the room and give Derek a good smack in the face! Somehow I held that urge down. Next, I heard a voice saying:

“Thanks for your feedback, Derek. I will think on what you said.”

I span around to see who had spoken, and was shocked that there was no-one there.

These wise words had come from my own mouth!

My next feelings came tumbling out:

“What kind of coward are you ? Are you really going to stand for that? Go ahead and give Derek a smack!!”

Afterwards, lying in a relaxing bath, I struggled to make my peace with how and why I had remained outwardly calm.

I now treasure this EQ Hot Spot and how I responded to it.

It was a turning point in my working life. I’m sure that if I’d have gone on the helter skelter to violence, I wouldn’t be pursuing the vocation that I enjoy today.

I’d probably be rotting in prison in England.

When you master your emotions, you’re well on your way to taking positive action in many areas of your life.

In part 2 of this series, I’ll share 5 questions that you must ask if you’re to successfully manage your emotions.

A Question For You

How Do You Deal With Your EQ Hot Spots?

Tune Up Your Emotional Intelligence Workbook

This article is based on a chapter from my no-cost Workbook. If you found it helpful, download your copy today and increase your Emotional Intelligence.

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In part 3 of this series, Sidney Poitier told us that he aimed to channel his anger for postive purposes. In this article, he tells about two unique individuals that used their anger positively:
Read the rest of this entry »

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Sidney Poitier’s Story So Far

When you manage your emotions you clear your pathway to a fulfilling life. Sidney Poitier’s take on how he manages his anger contains some valuable universal lessons. Read the rest of this entry »

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