Tune up your EQ

Anyone can become angry-that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to theright degree, at the righttime, for the right purpose, and in the right way - this is not easy.

Aristotle: The Nicomachean Ethics

(quoted at the beginning of Daniel Goleman’s best seller “Emotional Intelligence”)

Do you recognise these 4 stages of emotional management?

In Stage 1, your emotions dominate your behaviour, often with serious consequnces. Zinedine Zidane’s Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot in the 2006 World Cup Final is a well-known example. This talented soccer player lost his self-control in a stressful situation.

In Stage 2, you begin to manage your emotions. Sometimes you succeeed. At other times, you fail miserably.

Get beyond this stage, by adopting and practising a deliberate method. Having a systematic approach helps you to learn on purpose.

In Stage 3, you really begin to take care of yourself :). For example, I used 5 reflective questions to learn from my Emotional Intelligence Hot Spot.

I like Jean Browman’s list of eight questions from the Unwiring Our Emotional Buttons article.

1. What was the situation?
2. What did I do?
3. What were my feelings?
4. What were my thoughts/assumptions?
5. What was the positive intention behind my reaction?
6. What needs/desires were left unsatisfied?
7. What might I have done instead?
8. What did I learn from the experience?

When you consistently practice your method you acquire a new, more positive, habit.

After a while, you’re barely conscious of your approach. As Jean says:

“I’ve been doing this long enough now, though, that I don’t use the list consciously.”

You can become quite nonchalant, but you only reach the giddy heights of Stage 3 by deliberate committment and purposeful learning.

I’m curious to know what you think. Do you know anyone who is at Stage 4? If “yes”, how did they get there? how do they maintain it?

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Every week, I write 3 original articles that help you improve your Emotional Intelligence. If you're new here, feel free to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting!

In the Essence of EQ series, 8 readers shared their insights about the fundamentals of EQ. If you didn’t follow the series, or if you want a refresher,

Download the Essence of Emotional Intelligence Presentation in pdf format.

Ellen Janssen from the Positive Communication Blog made some follow up comments that anyone who wants to improve their emotional intelligence should consider. In the first part of her follow up, Ellen provided a compelling description of the essence of emotional intelligence. In part 2, she goes the extra mile and describes the main barriers to emotional intelligence.

“To me, the biggest barriers for people to getting to know themselves are two things: our culture in which achievement has the highest priority. In the school system, where all focus is on the IQ, in the ‘real world’ where who you are is determined by how much you earn and what job title you have…”

“The other barrier is ‘how busy we are’, busy to accomplish just those former goals of achievement. That overload of responsibilities makes it hard to take the time to sit back and listen to your heart. Time that is needed to find out who you really are”

1. What are the barriers to EQ where you live?

2. How can you overcome them?

I’m happy to feature your comment as a blog article. I’ll always check with you first to ensure that you’re comfortable with the idea.

Thanks so much Ellen for gving us your thought provoking insights.

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